Day 1

I started reading this book┬átoday. Honestly, I don’t remember how I found it or why I ordered it. I ordered it on Amazon and began reading one day. It had started out a dreary, hopeless sort of day. I just finished a week of torturing myself by calling my “food sponsor” nightly and telling her how I messed up my food that day. I was supposed to be reporting my success with my planned food. That was why I set up the nightly phone calls. But now, after a week of humiliation, I was avoiding her. I was avoiding talking to my “sponsor” with the food addiction group I’ve attended for the past decade. I love the group. There is a lot of acceptance and healing in those walls. But despite trying to do everything right, my weight was climbing over the years. And that truly scared me. I was feeling the fear of losing everything that day. The book arrived. I don’t really even know why I ordered it. My addiction group taught me long ago to stop dieting. I knew diets didn’t work for me. And a book that preached MODERATION? Ha! It’s not for me. I’m an addict. I drop of my “red light foods” and I can’t stop. I can’t control sugar, bread, flour, carbs, nuts, dried fruit…. the list keeps growing…

Maybe it was the utter hopelessness that drove me to try something I never thought would work. Maybe I was being led by God and it was all meant to be. I’m kinda hoping so.

Regardless, I started reading with the sure knowledge that this was bull. I have an physical addiction that isn’t widely understood. Moderation doesn’t work. Only abstinence. Like an alcoholic.

Except that I’m also educated. And the ladies writing this book had years of experience treating people JUST LIKE ME. They are also educated. They cited study after study to back up what they claim. Studies that have control groups and large, random groups of binge eaters. Studies that look into big issues like genetics, like the study done on a large group of twins. In the end they show, beyond anything I can argue against, that I AM NOT BROKEN.

WHAT?!

For 3 days I yearned to read… not wanting to ever put the book down. With 6 kids, I made it only 1 chapter in. So one night I stayed up. I read and read and read. I didn’t care that I had to get up the next day early to get kids to school. That tells you a lot. I NEED my sleep. But this book was proving 35 years of lies I’ve been told, WRONG. 10 years of addiction recovery, WRONG. A lifetime of failure, NOT MY FAULT. Sounds too good to be true. Yet the authors keep proving it with study after legitimate study! I couldn’t stop reading. I took pages of notes.

I stayed up till 3am. I forced myself to bed then, reminding myself how it feels to mother 6 kids with no sleep. But as I lay in bed, at 3am, my mind was buzzing with all I’d learned.

Am I NOT actually addicted to carbs?

Could binge food really lose it’s power?

After years of accepting I’m not a “normal eater”, could I actually learn to be?

Are all these rules around food teaching my children to have eating disorders too?

Is my 10 years of “abstinence” and progressively stricter “food plans” making me worse?

It’s hard to argue with HOPE.